Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Why This Press Release Inspires Nothing But Great Big...."Mehs"....From Fans of "The 1978 Battlestar Galactica Series"
A corporation that never should have owned the "Battlestar Galactica" property in the first place. A corporation that has spent 36 consecutive years doing nothing but raping, abusing, mismanaging on purpose, and kicking to the curb this property in every conceivable way. A corporation that has lied every single time in the past whenever they have announced a "Battlestar Galactica" theatrical film. A corporation that should have sold this property to another corporate entity decades ago because it (Universal Studios) has repeatedly proven that it is absolutely useless (spanning 36 consecutive years) when it comes to managing this property in any constructive way....
....Suddenly announces yet another "Fake Battlestar Press Release" that will gradually prove to be yet another "Crock of Shit" from Universal Studios as the passage of time gradually reveals that this "Fake Battlestar Press Release"....too.....is also nothing but a "Crock of Shit" from the "Universal Studios Black Tower."
Let's ludicrously assume for just a moment....for argument's sake....that Universal Studios is moving forward with this "Reimagining" of "The 1978 Battlestar Galactica Series."
1. "Reimagining:" - That in itself already tips us off that Universal Studios continues to hate "The 1978 Battlestar Galactica Series" (its contents) with every fiber of its corporate being.
2. "Reimagining:" - That in itself already tips us off that Universal Studios regards "The 1978 Battlestar Galactica Series" as nothing but a "Corporate Brand Name" like "Snickers Candy Bars" that can be warped, twisted, contorted, and shit on in whatever way they so choose in what they love to call...."a Reimagining." Blunt Hollywood speak for...."We don't know what it is that actually made the television series great....but we're still going to take a "blind man's stab" at reworking the property into what we think it should be based upon our total lack of experience as....'Artsy & Creative People." And what would Universal Studios warp, contort, and twist "Battlestar Galactica" into you ask?
a. A mindless and loud "CGI / Special Effects Demo Reel" looking identical to "Pacific Rim"....and...."Transformers."
b. There might be some passing references made to the terms "12 Colonies"....."Battlestars"...."Colonial Warriors."
c. There would probably be...."cough"......"Colonial Warriors" flying around in jet packs fighting giant robots that look just like the robots from...."Transformers"....and...."Pacific Rim."
d. There would be mindless on screen destruction with hardly a story on the order of....."Cloverfield."
e. "Reimagining:" - That in itself tips us off that Universal Studios is terrified of the religious and "Ancient Egypt" ingredients of....."The 1978 Battlestar Galactica Series" and wants to do away with all of it.
f. This would be nothing but the scores of mindless and indistinguishable "CGI / Special Effects" saturated summertime "Fart Fests" - (movies) from years past.
g. Every cast member would be around 25 years old. ("Jersey Shore" in outer space if Universal Studios would even bother to use "outer space" as a setting for this movie.) Outer space sure as hell wasn't the setting for "GINO" - (Galactica in Name Only.)
h. This would be a gigantic, multi-million dollar flop on the order of Universal Studios...."R.I.P.D."...
I. This would be a brief theatrical release and quick to DVD sort of deals, like....."R.I.P.D.".....
j. Universal Studios shouldn't even bother making this movie because they will just...."FU**" everything up. Corporations that....."hate what they own yet won't sell it"....tend to be that way towards what they own.
k. There might be spaceships that look like...."Battlestars"......"Basestars"....."Vipers"....and "Raiders." More than likely, Universal Studios would just screw up their designs so badly you wouldn't be able to tell what they are.
l. Spaceships would whip and bank around wildly for no apparent reason with no link whatsoever to a coherent story.
m. There would be extremely attractive...."20 Something"....young people repeatedly confessing their unyielding physical love for one another just before they go off to battle. The acting of these young people would suck so badly you would be asking yourself....."What Dating Game Television Show'....did these useless young people escape from?" These pretty young people would be absolutely useless to the story (what scant story there probably would be.)
n. There would be pointless nudity and love scenes with "Music Video" music. the love scenes shot like a "Music Video."
o. This "remake" would be even worse than Ronald D. Moore's "GINO" - (Galactica in Name Only) remake....if that's even possible.
p. This would be a mindless and pointless movie merely using the "Battlestar Galactica" brand name as its title.....Nothing to see here....Move on!!
I would say that pretty much covers it....for now!!
Read the books Universal Studios has tried and failed to censor on Amazon.com...
And read these books at another location where Universal Studios executives and its stealth marketers won't be able to post negative, misleading (stealth marketed) reviews of the books via them purchasing candy and Rogaine Foam on Amazon.com (allowing them access to the Amazon book review section) and not actually buying and reading the books. I'll leave the other 150 global locations under wraps for now.
Posted by Languatron at 8:43 AM