Sunday, January 11, 2015

I Can Just Imagine With Horror The Sort Of "Pep Talk" The SyFy Channel Employees Got From One Of Their Bosses At The Annual SyFy Christmas Party


SyFy Channel Boss: "Seasons Greetings, team!! (Waves his fist in the air in a rallying manner.) We've had another stupendous year here at the SyFy Channel (at least I did with my totally unjustified and insane bonus for doing basically nothing for another year.) We may not be a perfect channel, we may not be a Science Fiction channel, we may not be a channel of any sort, we may not make any money here at SyFy but...Doggonit!!...I'm just gonna come right out and say it....We're a family here!! During this special time of year with chestnuts roasting on an open fire....Jack Frost nipping at your balls. Although it's been said many times....many ways...Merry Christmas!! Merry Christmas to all of you!! (Points to everyone in the room.)

Yes, our overall ratings this year totally blew chunks of poop across the room like every year and all of us should be flipping burgers instead, but I think it's to the credit of our....piss pot little cable channel....never being on the level in any way that all of us are still employed. Dishonesty pays off in this world doesn't it if it keeps the dough rolling in for all of you and me? (Evil Grin)

ESPN is sports, Animal Planet is animals, Food Network is food...and we at the SyFy Channel are....long pause....(physically waves off the point he was trying to make because he can't make it.) My LaCrosse coach once said to me....'There is no....'I''T-E-A-M.' It takes all of you to run this channel. Whatever the hell this channel is. Quite frankly I don't care what the hell we are just as long as I continue getting the thoroughly outrageous and unjustified salary I keep getting. For me, running the SyFy Channel has been no harder than sitting on the can and taking a dump. Because in both instances I'm just reading a magazine and scratching my jibblies all day long.

We've made it easier for all of us at the SyFy Channel to access the 'USA Film Vaults' with color coded stamps identifying in severity of degrees the non-Science Fiction films are for SyFy broadcasts. Code (10) is the worst in severity which identifies non-Science Fiction films such as..."Bedtime For Bonzo." Code (1) being the least severe with a film such as...."The Road to Morocco."

Before I go back to my office and take another nap before going home and going to sleep I would like to leave this parting thought with all of you. Whatever the hell this channel is, keep your feet planted firmly on the ground and try reaching for the stars as long as you don't hurt yourselves. Go SyFy!! (Gives an awkward and nerdish thumbs up.)"

Standing Ovation


 Read the books Universal Studios has tried and failed to censor on

And read these books at another location where Universal Studios executives and its stealth marketers won't be able to post negative, misleading (stealth marketed) reviews of the books via them purchasing candy and Rogaine Foam on (allowing them access to the Amazon book review section) and not actually buying and reading the books. I'll leave the other 150 global locations under wraps for now.

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