Friday, August 12, 2011

The SyFy Channel Cancels Another Science Fiction Television Series...For No Good Reason

"After painstaking consideration, we have had to make the difficult business decision to not order a season six of Eureka. But Eureka is not over yet. There is a new holiday episode this December and 12 stellar episodes set to debut next year, marking its fifth season and six memorable years on Syfy. The 2012 episodes are some of the best we've seen, and will bring this great series to a satisfying end. We are very grateful to Bruce Miller and Jaime Paglia, their team of incredible writers, and an amazing cast and crew who have consistently delivered a series we continue to be very proud of. We thank the fans for their support of this show and know they will enjoy its final season in 2012."

-SyFy Channel

We need to be blunt here. The SyFy Channel has never experienced "painful consideration" in the cancellation of any science fiction television series in its entire, useless, corporate life. The corporate bullshit...status quo...statement of the SyFy Channel above is masking what the SyFy Channel really experienced behind closed corporate doors when they cancelled "Eureka"...."uninhibited sexual euphoria and climax."

You see, the SyFy Channel is no doubt making way for more of the low budget...non-science fiction bullshit programming Bonnie Hammer, David Howe, and Mark Stern are so fond of. The sort of non-science fiction bullshit programming shot in Vancouver with camcorders, rubber bands, and tooth picks.

Well!! Let's get right to it. What sorts of low budget, bullshit programming will Bonnie Hammer, David Howe, and Mark Stern be considering to take the place of "Eureka?" Since their prized demographic now seems to be illiterate...horny....trailer park....teenagers (a complex demographic they still haven't successfully corralled yet)...perhaps the following are the sorts of programs the SyFy Channel will be considering to take "Eureka's" place?

Captain Boinko's Hand Puppet Theater -

Intergalactic playboy "Captain Boinko" cruises through the Milky Way and the rings of Saturn looking for those golden opportunities to get laid. Since the SyFy Channel (as always) will have no budget whatsoever to produce this show..."Captain Boinko's" entire exciting saga will be told with hand puppets from behind a black curtain. Special effects will be cardboard cut-out spaceships on fishing line.

Bert & Ernie - Romantic Thrift Shoppers For Life -

After being fired from Sesame Street and PBS for being gay...Bert & Ernie now have an exciting new show on the SyFy Channel. They now span the globe looking for ancient and supernatural artifacts at bargain basement prices in thrift shops. In the exciting pilot episode...Bert almost gets his unibrow singed into two eyebrows when he ignores the warning sign and opens up the "Lost Ark of the Covenant"...almost getting his ass fried as well from the supernatural forces within. In between exciting moments such as this, Bert and Ernie will spend quiet, romantic times together popping open bottles of wine and staring at the moon while cuddling under a blanket.

Sweating To The Oldies With Bonnie Hammer and Richard Simmons -

Bonnie Hammer and Richard Simmons will shed pounds every week (in spandex) dancing to such classics as "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do" -  by Neil Sedaka and "Magic Bus" - by The Who.

Practicing Your Poker Face With David Howe and Mark Stern -

SyFy Channel executives David Howe and Mark Stern will be sitting at a card table every week teaching viewers how to play such card games as "Black Jack"..."Go Fish"...."Rummy"...."Poker"....etc. Howe and Stern will also be teaching viewers how to maintain poker faces when one has the winning hand. Additional instruction will be given in arching eyebrows (guest star Lee Majors)...chomping down on cigars....and peripheral vision staring.

Something has to take the place of "Eureka"....right?

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