Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Is The SyFy Channel Still Trusting Its...."cough"....Creative Instincts?
Remember those priceless interviews (priceless in a bad way) Bonnie Hammer, David Howe, and Mark Stern used to give announcing some truly wretched piece of television programming that they "truly believed in?" That....their instincts always told them would turn out to be a ratings smash despite some minor little complications such as the pilot episode having the lowest audience test scores in broadcasting history? It happened with Ronald D. Moore's "GINO".....Ronald D. Moore's "Caprica".....anything else they have put on the air....and it will happen again with "Blood & Chrome." I think the problem here is (and certainly what the problem has always been) is that the "creative instincts" of Bonnie Hammer, David Howe, and Mark Stern were always shot to Hell to begin with. That their "creative instincts" were always dog shit to begin with. I guess what I'm politely trying to say.....is that Bonnie Hammer, David Howe, and Mark Stern never possessed anything remotely resembling "creative instincts" at any point in their misguided careers. If they did, the SyFy Channel wouldn't now.....or wouldn't have been.....such a wasted "cess pool" of broadcasting airwaves in the cable landscape. There hasn't been anything on the SyFy Channel (Sci-Fi Channel) worth watching in the past decade and a half.
"Creative Instincts" would have been such a valuable tool for Bonnie Hammer, David Howe, and Mark Stern if they had possessed them. It would have weeded out the dead beat losers offering your channel wretched and financially devastating programming ideas (Ronald D. Moore, David Eick), it would have kept professional wrestling off of the air, it would have deep sixed any ideas for those stupid ass monster movies broadcast every Saturday night, and it would have made the overall SyFy Channel schedule alot more lively and spunky than it is now. Of course, lacking these "creative instincts" has made Bonnie Hammer, David Howe, and Mark Stern just as guilty of littering the SyFy Channel schedule with mindless claptrap as the dead beat producers and scriptwriters who provide it.
Perhaps Bonnie Hammer, David Howe, and Mark Stern have been programing for a television channel during the wrong decade. Would they have had an easier time in the 1960s when their mindless claptrap would have blended in alot better with the likes of "Gilligan's Island"...."My Mother The Car"....."My Favorite Martian"....."Star Trek" (third season)....."Hazel"......"My Three Sons"....."Petticoat Junction"...."Hee Haw".....or "Green Acres?" What is really frightening, is that Bonnie Hammer, David Howe, and Mark Stern would have green lit "Gilligan's Island" for a 32 episode first season the moment they heard the premise. Better yet, could you imagine these three in charge of the hands on production crew filming each episode of "Gilligan's Island?" They would have taken every absurd plot idea and sight gag with "deadly seriousness." They would have held frequent "on location" production meetings with the cast and crew, making sure every sight gag goes.....according to plan.
Bonnie Hammer: "In scene 43, instead of the Skipper chasing Gilligan with the coconut, I think Gilligan should be chasing the Skipper with the coconut."
David Howe: "I think we should be more worried about our three extras in the gorilla costumes. Are they getting enough air through the face masks?"
Mark Stern: "Good point. We need to get Sherwood on the phone for his advice."
Bonnie Hammer: "Have the Beatles arrived yet for their guest appearance?"
What do we have now on the SyFy Channel?
Bonnie Hammer: "In scene 43 of 'Area 51'...I think we should have the extraterrestrial (covered in slime) sitting at a computer monitor planning its route of escape while Bruce Boxleitner tip toes through a dark hallway with a flamethrower."
Mark Stern: "Are you suggesting Bonnie, that the extraterrestrial has keyboard skills despite his three fingers as thick as carrots on either hand?"
Bonnie Hammer: "I am."
Mark Stern: "I like it!! It implies that the SyFy Channel does not discriminate against other forms of life."
David Howe: "Should the extraterrestrial speak English or Greek?"
Does anyone notice a difference? I sure as hell don't.
Posted by Languatron at 2:05 PM